FENDER'S BLAG
What the hell is a blag? Well, it's like a blog but it's a page where I plan to brag about myself and the tremendous effect I've had on this puny world during my 60 years. I hope to add to this occasionally but for now I'm starting off with the obvious.
(1) Made available every book every written by Harry Stephen Keeler and Norman Berrow, as well as obscure novels by numerous old authors who deserve to be read. See this list and #8 below for proof.
(2) Kept the Commodore computer magazine LOADSTAR alive for a decade after it normally would have died, along with the greatest little 64K computer ever made. Google LOADSTAR or COMMODORE 64 to see some of the contributions I made during the years I was editor of LOADSTAR, 1987 - 1999. I'm working on a book about the programs I wrote back in the Commodore heydays.
(3) Got involved with some high-powered contemporary literary figures like Francis M. Nevins, Richard A. Lupoff, Bill Pronzini, Dennis McMillan, Bill Crider, Robert Adey, Lee Server, Jeffrey Marks, Richard O'Brien and Jim Harmon. They have helped Ramble House immensely and maybe in a small way I've helped them.
(4) Was Joe Bob Briggs' second-best friend. Well, maybe I'm fudging this a bit but when Joe Bob ended his incredibly good newsletter THE JOE BOB REPORT (formerly WE ARE THE WEIRD) he had two pages full of testimonials from his "best friends". My blurb was listed second. If I can find the newsletter, I'll list my testimonial. I miss Joe Bob but more importantly, the world misses him. He was important, dammit! Still could be.
(5) Had a sentence published in Scott Rice's BRIDE OF DARK AND STORMY: More of the Best (?) from the Bulwer-Lytton Contest, 1988. My sentence was inspired by my novella, MURDER IN THE MONASTERY, and apparently impressed Rice enough to include it in his book. "The arrival of Sister Debbie's beau, occurring as it did during Father Noster's phlegmatic rendition of benediction, unnerved Mother Puleeze so much she thwacked Novice Scotia with her rosary crucifix, even though he had done nothing wrong -- yet."
(6) Gained Trekkie status when Phil Farrand came out with THE NITPICKER'S GUIDE FOR NEXT GENERATION TREKKERS, Volume II, 1995. Phil had asked for more nits from readers and I wrote him about the Borg's cheektubes. Remember the Borg? Half-machine race of evil? I thought it was humorous that the most highly advanced race of evil in the galaxy would have a U-shaped tube sticking out of their faces, and especially when I learned that if it were pulled out, the advanced being died. From Phil's book: "Nitpicker Fender Tucker offered, 'Isn't a cheektube an accident just waiting to happen? I can hear Grandpa Borg now. "You would have loved Aunt Erk. Unfortunately she caught her cheektube on a doorknob back before you were born." ' " Most advanced race in the galaxy, my ass!
(7) Gave great advice to Craig Hosada, author of THE BARE FACTS: Video Guide to Nude Scenes in Non-Porn Films, when I informed him that for boys of my age, ten, the epitome of movie lust was when Sophia Loren climbed out of the Mediterranean in 1957's BOY ON A DOLPHIN, showing us what wonders there be when brassieres are eschewed and thin, white blouses are wet. Craig ran with my advice and listed the scene in his second edition of this valuable work, even though it technically isn't a "nude" scene. It was the best we could get in the hinterlands of America in that decade, and I imagine more teen spermatazoa was spurted because of Sophia in that show that year than in any year since, even though the visuals have improved exponentially. Craig honored my advice by listing me in the second edition's Thank You page.
(8) Was pointillized by the Wall Street Journal. However, at the time I was interviewed for this article back in 2001, I had only thumbed through a couple of WSJs in my life and didn't realize what an honor it is to be turned into dots by the special WSJ process. I should have sent them a better picture. I've slightly updated the article.
(9) Wrote some damn good lyrics for some 60-odd, highly uncommercial songs whilst playing in various bar bands in New Mexico and Colorado back in 1965 - 1987. Below I'm listing some of my favorite lyrical quips. You can hear all of my songs here.
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When I get through with you baby, German's will look at you and say 'Nein!'
They don't give me no lip, They just lie there and moan.
You're down at the Y and she's startin' to function, There's plenty of action where her legs make a junction.
You are the toughest broad I know, Whenever you touch me, my juices flow.
How come I don't wear it on my wrist? Y'see my Twistaflex's got six inches An I just got a five inch fist.
Ah figured whut de hell, de chick she mus be Sapphic, Well, shit, Ah'll do anything as long's it's pornographic.
Come to me baby, gimme a fix, People get naked, expose all your pricks.
You know that you got hair to keep you warm where you need it, You also got a mouth to make you grow, so why not feed it?
We knew them girls was just our style, an they knew we wuz theirs, I'd last seen Sadie at a ten-body pile, an Jewel didn't mind splittin hairs.
Does yo big sistah tell you what she got in her bag, Does Mary wanna take a chance, does Mary wanna take a drag?
My Baby's Gonna Leave Me Yesterday My baby's gonna have my lunch for breakfast, She's gonna have me babblin like a brook.
An the only rocks that I got Were those that were in my head.
They tole me they were doin me a favor, But I lost my wife an a year of my life, An I'd give anything for a knife, An a change to pay them back for their favor.
Who Cares As Long As I Get Mine? I'm a man who loves the women, an my wife sure loves the men, Maybe just the other way around, somethin differnt now an then.
Put the blame on the whiskey an wine, they sucked the man outa me, I once had the world spread before my very eyes but the bottle was all I could see.
Don't think about disturbin me by askin me to dance, Cuz I'm one shot past bein friendly, and that's two shots past romance.
From the Colorado Islands to the shores of Tennessee, I'll sail the American Ocean till I find my love.
I'm gonna count my blessings, pack my bags, Stash some grass and haul my ass to Dallas.
It's a sin to say no to a woman who's so lonely She sees the man she loved so much in a boy of seventeen. It's a sin to say no when a man like me's so lonely, One day you're gonna wake up, an you'll be old as me.
My Lady Cries When The Train Whistle Blows She rode the rails with her ramblin gamblin man, She kept a cigar in his smile an a drink in his hand, He kept her for his pleasure, now the pleasure's all mine, But as long as that whistle blows she goes, To her railroad days and the girl she left behind.
I Shoulda Been Born 1000 Years Ago When I look around today, ain't no dragons left to slay, An even if there was, it'd be a crime.
Everybody needs a sanctuary, I'm somebody and I need you most of all.
Whiskey, beer an wine, do you wanna know my sign? It's whiskey, beer an wine.
I've loved a few since losing you but no matter how I've tried, I'll never love anyone so much that I wouldn't want you on the side.
Ah'm yo mean standard deviate, Ah'm half as good as the best but lest you fo'get, Ah'm half as bad as the wors' an Ah goes firs' So watchit!
When you're with the one you love There's something good about bad weather.
Tucker knew there was something wrong about that lying nun, There ain't nothin more dangerous than a nun with a gun.
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(10) Speaking of Angelus of Doom, I'm rather proud of something in the song, something that no one has commented on -- and no one probably will. First, some background for those who may not have read the short story entitled "The Angelus of Doom" in my book THE TOTAH TRILOGY. The story involves a young bell-ringer (me, at the age of eight in 1955) who (spoiler alert!) miraculously saves the day by ringing the Angelus improperly. The Angelus is a bell-ringing ceremony practiced three times a day in Catholic ritual. As is explained in the story, it consists of this sequence of rings:
(1) three rings
(2) pause
(3) three rings
(4) pause
(5) three rings
(6) pause
(7) thirty-three rings
There's no telling how many millions of people have been annoyed by the Angelus over the centuries. And the annoyance continues. In the haunting love theme for the short story -- all three stories in THE TOTAH TRILOGY have a haunting love theme -- on the second and fourth verses there is a bell-like tone I played on the keyboard that replicates the sequence of the Angelus. 3 - 3 - 3 - 33. If I had sampled a real bell sound, or had a better keyboard, perhaps the bell sound would be more obvious and noticeable. In any case, if you listen to the song "Angelus of Doom" you will hear the Angelus playing. The sequences of three rings are in verses two and four and the thirty-three rings play during the choruses which follow those verses.
I don't know how many short stories written these days have their own haunting love themes, but I doubt if it's many. And I bet that no song ever has had a Catholic bell ritual imbedded in it. And it fits! Check it out.
I wish I didn't have to brag about this myself, but hey, that's what a blag is for. Click on the underlined Angelus of Doom to hear the song.
I'll add more blags as I think of them, or as they happen. Thanks for allowing me to indulge my ego, which, rightfully, doesn't get much indulgence from others these days.
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